I never dreamed that this would ever happen to me. Being so shy and having grown up with the same people for 13 years of my life, I never once thought that I would literally fall in love until I was at least in college, away from my small town. But I did, and I have.
I’m a senior in high school, and I can definitely say that this year has been one of the most riveting school years of my life. My grades have gotten from ok to excellent, which is great, and i have made fine friends & have become a more confident person. But, as you’ll soon find out, it has not been all sunshine, either.
Last fall, since I love acting, I decided to be in the school’s fall play, and that meant spending nearly every day with the guy that I am now in love with. He joined, too, and I have nothing but good memories of him and I as we worked with everyone else to get the performance on. Back then, I had nothing more than a major crush on him. I didn’t think about him every day and night, and pine for him every day and night like I do now. I honestly don’t know where these feelings came from. I’ve known this guy ever since kindergarten; like everyone else, I grew up with him. So why the intense feelings?
But it is true that he has attracted me these many years. He seemed to always stand out from every other guy in my grade, with everything that I have always liked so much about him. I have always noticed how gorgeous and sweet he is, but it wasn’t until I started working with him last fall that i realized how much i liked him.
Well, eventually, the play got finished up, and i started to really miss him. Christmas vacation came and went, and when i got back to school after almost 2 weeks of not seeing him or talking with him, I felt this strange ache inside of me. That feeling was nothing compared to what i would feel soon after.
The couple weeks that followed coming back from vacation, i found myself staring at him more and thinking about him more and more…until the school gave out a 3 day break again, and that’s when i felt my life changing. Over the course of those three days off from school, i gradually began to feel this terrible, terrible longing for him. It was so intense, i couldn’t believe it; i had never felt that way before in my life. That was the first time that I considered that i had fallen in love with him. But i would not believe my feelings, and i felt convinced that if i just saw him again when i got back to school, everything would be cleared up and i wouldn’t feel that way. I thought it was all fake.
When I got back to school and i saw him, i felt those awful feelings nudging for some air, but i wouldn’t give it to them…I wouldn’t feel that way for a guy i have known my whole freaking life. But as you can probably guess, i did anyway, and so started the most hellish experience that I have ever known. I hope everybody reading this doesn’t ever go through the same hell that I am, because it sucks so bad.
For seven agonizing weeks now, I have stared at him, longed for him, thought about him-more than i have ever thought about anything in my life. I would pay money for him to be happy, to be secure and safe for the rest of his life; i would pay money to see him anywhere, anytime; i would gladly take a bullet for him. I have realized that he is my dream guy…..and i know that he doesn’t love me back. To him, i am just a classmate, another boring, non-important classmate. But i dream about him almost every night, i worry about him….i love him with all that i have. But he doesn’t know. He has no idea. And it doesn’t help that only a couple acquaintances of mine know this about me. It doesn’t help that he is so popular and beautiful, and we are in our freakin last year of school, and in 2 months, i might not ever see him again, because we would have gone our separate ways after graduating. But God, i want him in my life. I want him more than i have ever wanted anything before. I DO NOT want to lose him; i don’t care if i have to wait, because i will, but what if i wait too long? What if he gets engaged with someone else without ever knowing how i feel about him? that cannot happen. I am terrified, and i mean terrified of losing him.
This is my own story of unrequited love. It feels like knives have stabbed into my heart and haven’t come out my back yet, and i posted this experience so i could actually get support about it, which i have so little of, it seems. So, please help me, people. Do not criticize me; if you have something bad to say about all this, do not say it; i just need advice & help. I feel on the verge of depression when i have worked so hard to brighten up the shy part of me, so please, give me some hope. Give me a reason that i should hang on to this amazing guy that has changed my life, even if he doesn’t love me back, he doesn’t know how i feel about him, either.